30 October 2015, our 41st monthsary, we broke up. It's a done deal, signed, chopped and sealed.
We met up once in the morning but things didn't clear up. I felt really badly of my actions, how I really upset him, broke him etc. I didn't know he felt unappreciated, I took him for granted, I instilled a form of fear of guilt in him, or I made him bow down to me every time we quarreled. I was truthfully sorry and I really blamed myself. Was it really like what he said? Probably not because I remembered I did apologize, humor, and did my best to become a better person. He said he was unsure if he dared to give it another try and needed more time to think.
Night came and he told me he could only meet me after midnight as he had to meet his German engineer. His German engineer turned out to be a Chinese lady, and they were holding hands and he kissed her forehead. He was caught redhanded by my friend. He admitted and explained that she gave him the comfort and appreciation which I wasn't giving. He didn't felt guilty. He said he wasn't cheating on me because they were just friends. Friends. I have been committed and not succumb to temptations when I was vulnerable. Because he once told the immature me that relationship was a commitment. Such contradiction. Plus, one of his ex-girlfriends cheated on him before. He himself said and promised that he would not cheat on me. I defended for him when people suspected. I trusted him. I fucking trusted him!
We did talk a few more other things but the ending had already been decided either way. He was talking all about him and I was talking about us. This had happened before, but the roles were reversed. Despite many question marks I wanted answers for, I stopped pushing. Because I love him and I didn't want to make him feel anymore miserable. If he had his mind set, if he met up with me in order to put me down to make himself feel better, I did my very last duty as a girlfriend. For myself, I tried my best to keep him, and now, I am glad there's a closure for us.
Love is irrational. Hands-on experience by yours truly. That being said, I am still grateful for this relationship, thankful to have matured plenty. To have learnt the importance of commitment, compromise, communication and respect. Other than that, it has brought my tiny small eyes to know that cheaters really do exist! This relationship has also emphasized who are the ones really there for me and who should I really cherish. I am also very thankful to my animals who took the courage and broke the news to me immediately. Family, friends, forever.
When the day comes, when I look back, I want to know how much stronger I have gotten. My ultimate goal at the moment.